Austin in April is usually a dream, but last Saturday it felt like the surface of the sun. I was sweating through my linen jumpsuit while trying to wrangle nine chaotic four-year-olds at a local dojo in North Austin for my nephew Leo’s birthday. My golden retriever, Barnaby, was safely at home avoiding the screeching,…
Dan’s 35th birthday bash last October was nearly a total washout because of a literal mudslide in our suburban Portland backyard, but that wasn’t even the biggest crisis of the day. The real drama started at 11:15 PM the night before when I realized the “sophisticated” cake I’d ordered from that trendy bakery downtown looked…
I teach fifth grade in Houston, Texas. My classroom usually smells like dry erase markers, old lunchboxes, and pre-teen sweat. Last spring, I decided to throw a massive irony-themed end-of-year bash for my 22 ten-year-olds and their perpetually exhausted parents. The theme? A cynical, humorous throwback to the exact animated shows that tortured those same…
Three o’clock in the morning on April 12, 2024, found me standing on a wobbly step stool in my living room in Denver, clutching a roll of yellow crepe paper like it was a lifeline. My son Leo was turning four the next day. I had promised him a “real-life construction site” in our basement….
My living room looked like a scene from a low-budget horror movie, but with more glitter and less blood. On October 12, 2025, my son Leo turned two, and I decided, in a moment of sheer parental hubris, that I could out-host my ex-wife’s sister, who spends $4,000 on “organic balloon arches.” I had exactly…
Twenty-two five-year-olds in a single living room sounds like a recipe for a structural integrity failure of your home. Last February, specifically on Saturday the 14th—yes, Valentine’s Day, because I am a glutton for punishment—I hosted a Minecraft bash for my son, Leo, and his preschool cohort here in Houston. I’ve survived twenty years of…
Chicago winters feel like they last three years sometimes. By the time March 12, 2026, rolled around, my twins Maya and Leo were turning two and I was desperate for something that didn’t involve snow boots or gray slush. We went with a “Two Under the Sea” theme. I had exactly fifty-eight dollars left in…
Last April, my living room in Austin looked like a unicorn had a very colorful accident. My niece, Maya, was turning four, and her only demand was “all the colors, Auntie Sarah.” Planning a budget rainbow party for 4 year old kids is essentially a high-stakes game of Tetris played with streamers and juice boxes….
Barnaby, my golden retriever, was literally chewing on a scrap of red gingham felt when I realized I had exactly forty-eight hours to figure out how to make a three-year-old look like the king of a barnyard. My nephew Leo is obsessed with tractors, cows, and that specific muddy smell of a petting zoo. I…
My daughter’s seventh birthday party nearly ended before it began because I thought a group text counted as an invitation. It was March 5, 2023, and I was standing in the middle of a rented pavilion at Piedmont Park here in Atlanta, surrounded by thirty-two pounds of leopard-print snacks and exactly zero guests. The humidity…
